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Winter cleaning.

The problem with having both supervisors away is that I become incredibly lazy and crap.

On the other hand, it means I take two-and-a-half hour coffee breaks with ace people like morgan303. We talked about everything. It was grand. I think I needed to have a conversation like that, and had been needing it for about two years. Being the fantastic girl she is, she also inspired me to take more of an active role in my own life, if that makes any sense.

And the first step of this whole new found control over who I am came in the form of cleaning. Not general cleaning, specific cleaning - cleaning of the soul and of the spirit. I burnt a lot of incense, I dusted a lot of my most precious treasures, and I felt incredibly guilty that I had let my atheme get so tarnished. But, this is all about moving on, so I rearranged my stuff, burnt more incense, and dusted some more. I may move furniture in the next few days - as yet I am unsure.

I really need to put things in perspective. I mean, the nasty PhD has taken control of my life and I'm not sure I want it to. I am entertaining the thought of dropping out, but I do that every two or three weeks, so it's no huge deal. But what I do know is that even if I stay with it, I need to find the time to live in my life, as well as slog and learn and work.

I am reminded of something Liz said to me last week - that the only person who is responsible for my happiness is me. Ever wise beyond her years or her appearance, she is right.

For the first time in a long time, the words of Blake dance through my head of their own accord, with Tennyson and Byron and Yeats not far behind.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
qamar
Jul. 7th, 2003 09:14 pm (UTC)
What is it about moving furniture that is so damn reviving? :)

On a more serious note, PhDs seem to suck the lifeforce in a way that is difficult to describe. I wish you the best of luck getting yourself in a cheerier mindframe. I know it's taken me a year to feel positive about the whole damn thing.
morgan303
Jul. 9th, 2003 11:51 am (UTC)
We had wonderful fun, didn't we? I need more conversations like that, too. Thankyou, muchly.

I've burnt (metaphorically) through Gloomcookie (turned out the graphic novel cuts off where my collection does, too, for all its massive size, but it was really nice to see all the extras) and Utena - the manga is really fantastic; slightly different enough from the anime to lend a subtly different flavour to some very key scenes. And the artwork's beautiful. Thanks for the loan! We'll *have* to meet up again so I can give it back to you...
miss_rynn
Jul. 9th, 2003 05:01 pm (UTC)
*And* so that I can lend you Vol 2 of Gloom Cookie, which I got yesterday.

Because I am a hopeless adict.
morgan303
Jul. 9th, 2003 09:02 pm (UTC)
Re:
Oh, you're totally squishy!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )