Bright coloured strips of hair, sprinklings of glitter, army boots severe and black and stiff as I am soft and pliable. I've surrounded myself with music, and thrived in it. I've reminded myself of the colours I used to see, the textures I used to swathe myself in. I've been reminded of my power, of my potential, for both good and wickedness.
I have talked about my deepest, darkest secret, that not even that handful of people I care the most about, those I love with all of my heart, know about. It was oddly liberating, but at the same time it was frightening to leave myself so vulnerable.
So much of my life has been spent standing at crossroads, too aftraid to take any path in case it was the wrong one, waiting for somebody else to make the decision for me. Do I want to be in that position again? Anybody who is interested in the ooky-kooky side of life will tell you that there is great power in crossroads. Rather than seeing such a thing as a problem, I suppose I appreciate the importance of being at such a place in life - I don't want to squander such an opportunity.
I see most of life as a series of crossroads, decisions in potentia. I get truly desperate and agitated, much like a caged animal, when I feel I have no options to choose between. I suppose that is why I start making new ones; even if they are not wise, even if they are really, really bad ideas, I need to have other options. This seems to translate into every aspect of my life.
In my mind I have not been walking, but dancing. I have not been speaking, but reciting poetry. I have not been living, but dreaming.
In a cheesey Hong Kong Action film, someone once said that you need to hold a gun like you would hold a bird - if too tight, you will crush it. If too loose, it will escape. I think that is how I should be held.