August 14th, 2002

smirk - by me

Why I don't see my friends anymore

This is a question I ask myself on a fairly regular basis, and the sad part is that I usually only come up with one rather unpleasant answer -

It's all my fault.

I am sad that I don't see my friends anymore. I am reminded about the last time I saw one of my friends and I said, "Hey, are you free any night of the week? I'd like to get a game together so that I can see you more often." To which was the golden reply of,

"You know, you don't have to have a game to see people."

Ah, I says to myself, yes. Well. Okay then. And then, like the coward I am, I slunk away and went home without making any firm plans with anyone about anything. Pathetic, huh. I guess it all started back in 2000 when, for a couple of reasons, I fell out of contact with people. Fisrt of all was the fact that I was told midway through the year by the uni folk that I had studied too many undergraduate subjects and that I could not take any more. Which effectively meant that I had graduated.

This was a bit of a shock to my system, because all of my life I had been studying, and the prospect of no-longer doing it frightened me. I had no idea what else I could do apart from study. So I had to sit and think for a while, and largely just vanished off the face of the earth. And secondly, I started going out with Jye as a full time vocation. Which kind of ate up my time.

In 2001 I started Honours, which is notorious for eating people's social lives, as it did mine. I hardly had time to sleep, so consequently I did not get to see people that much. My fault, I admit, because I probably should have made the time. At the end of honours I got the crushing news that I would not be getting a scholarship. Disaster. No scholarship means no PhD means no study. I paniced. I fell apart at the seams. I spent days in bed sobbing and wailing. I was not a particularly happy girl. I spent six months looking for work, and I did not get one interview. My self esteem was not, shall we say, what it should be. Eventually I convinced my partents to pay for me to study for the first year of my degree, but I know that if I don't get the scholarship by december then I can't finish my PhD.

So what? What does all this mean, apart from some pathetic attempt at garnering attention and sympathy?

I am too afraid, I think, of seeing my friends, or talking to them, of meeting with them. Too afraid that I will be too different from them now, too much of a stagnant personality. And I know that the longer I hide from them, the harder it will become to ever be with them again.

I am lonely. I miss all of them so much. And I only have myself to blame.

I am going to try very hard to catch up with Jack and Polly this weekend. I am going to try to see Mel on sunday. Hopefully sometime soon I will be able to catch up with Tom's household in a way that is not entierly RPG related. I want to see evrybody again. I want to just swan about and laugh and talk and drink weak alcohol and watch videos. I don't want to be afraid that I will have nothing to say, or that I will be just brushed off.

I miss you all.

I want to come home.
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