August 27th, 2002

smirk - by me

The day after...

I'm still messed up over my mice. My supervisor and I had a chat about it, and basically while I have the option to not do this again, I would much rather than no one else do it for me. It is my responcibility, and there is no way that I would wish this on someone else.

People deal with this kind of stress in different ways. Apart from often feeling like crying about it, today I have done something quite unexpected. I am accesorising. I have all sorts of jewellery on, which I don't normally do, I took extra care with my makeup this morning, which is very rare for me, and I decided to use my new PSOne bag today, as well as wearing Jye's new Jinglish T-shirt from niki-chan. My theory is that in trying to make my self look better, I am trying to convince myself that I am feeling better. A cunning trick which, unfortunately, seldom works.

I saw niki-chan for the first time in ever such a long time last night, which was terribly wonderful. She gives great hugs. Tom, Jye, Cameron, DJ, niki-chan and I all had pizza together which made me nostalgic for the old times. I did feel a little odd though, and a little quiet. Partly because of the mice, partly because I was unexpectedly shy. Which makes no sense because I love these people dearly, and I trust them. Why should I be shy around them?

Also caught up briefly with TY and Ben and, drunk as they were, they reminded me of how great they are. It was lovely to see them.

I must sound a tad on the pathetic side, listing all these people which I saw as if it was something new, special and precious. But quite frankly, if you spend a long time not seeing people and then you see a whole bunch of them in quick succession, it is new, special and precious. Of course it is - my friends are all special and precious people. So if I'm being pathetic, well, I don't feel like changing that I guess. I don't want to take my friends for granted anymore.

But to be honest with you, I was more than a little nervous seeing all of them last night. I've been quite sensitive in the past to some of the things that some people have said to be, overly sensitive I'll admit. But even if I know that I was being overly sensitive, it does not take away from the sharp sting of barbed words and it does not stop me from being apprehensive that similar jibes will come again. Even if they were not meant to be jibes. I think it is a problem with knowing so many intelligent people, that they are so quick witted and dry humoured that they can take anything that you say or do and turn it into some clever and biting observation or piece of social commentary. I applaud them for their wit, and if I open my heart to them then I should be prepared for what damage I may recieve. It is not their intent to hurt me, I'm sure. Maybe they just don't realise that their words can cut just as deeply through me as they cut through the veneer of society at large. Perhaps if I was as intelligent as them, it would not be such a problem.

Perhaps I'm just being pathetic again.

It's wrong, I know, but sometimes for such people that I care so deeply about, they can leave me feeling just a little inadequate. But I love them anyway. It doesn't matter, so long as I still have them.
  • Current Music
    Matrix ST


it must be spring soon because I am going loopy. I am stupidly happy yet terribly despondant. Sometimes I want to laugh and sing and cry. I have been reading Japanese courty poetry (tanka) and while I am inspired I cannot form words or images or feelings. I am not a violent person, and conflict makes me feel physically ill, but for some reason I want to punch someone - anyone - square in the face. Thoughts keep slipping through my fingers and my mind is moving too fast for me to make sense of. This is why I don't take drugs. This is why I do not sleep. Imbalanced - probably. And what am I going to do about it? Not a goddamn thing. Probably go somewhere and drink something. Possibly berry flavoured. Heh. I want to claw at my own skin, but I am afraid of the pain. The sickness is in my head, for sure. Maybe it's just stress relief, my brian finally letting out all this emotional crap that has been building up and blocking the pipes. I may be mad, but at least I am the happy sort of crazy. I want to cut all of my hair off. I want to be a movie star. I think I must be at one of those nexus points in my life, where the lines of fate are not sure where to take me next, but they are all pulling at me. I smell niki-chan on my skin, but I have not seen her for many hours - and even then was briefly. Who knows what will happen in life? We should live each day as our first and our last. Sing to the heavans, sing to the skies, never let your voice be silenced.

And I'd just like to say that I am a Sony Whore.
  • Current Mood
    crazy crazy