November 1st, 2002

smirk - by me

crappy crapness

You know my aunt? The one who died a few weeks ago?

Her husband, my uncle (my mother's brother), has just been diagnosed with cancer.

We won't know how bad it is for a while, but my god - how his kids must be hurting. I have this awful, sick feeling in my stomach. It's not me that I feel bad for, it's my cousins John and Mary Lou. It's for my whole family. They're such good, honest, loving folk. It strikes me as just a tad on the unfair side.

But there's nothing that I or anyone else can do. All I'm left with is this sick, weak feeling. It could be nothing. It could be everything. I am lost in a sea of uncertainty.
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted
smirk - by me

Waste of a day, waste of time

What a purely fuck-tastic day. Not happy, not motivated, not successful. Sam, one of the other PhD students here, got her scholarship today. You know what that means? I am the only one here who DOESN'T have a fucking scholarship. I have $23 in my bank account, there is no food in the house, I need new shoes, I want to treat myself, I want nice things.

I want more money.

I'm feeling quite heaftily neaseus, as I have been feeling all day. I'm sick of family tragedy and pain. I don't understand why such bad things are happening to my family, my metaphysics only encompasses so much.

I lost some rather vital stuff on my game for Arc, thanks to an unspecified disk error which refused to be fixed by anything I attacked it with. I am a writer at heart, and there is nothing more galling than ideas or sentances or paragraphs being forever destroyed and lost.

But above all else, I want more money.

I'm sick of sponging of my parents, and off Jye. Because he has to take so much of the financial burden, he can't buy nice things for himself. He suffers, because I cannot look after myself. And next door, people congratulate Sam. I slip into the haze of forgetfulness. I scream, but no one hears. I am alien to them, too foreign to notice, too different to understand; better to ignore. I want to punch someone, something, but I know I will acheive nothing in doing so.

My own private hell, with my name in flashing neon lights above it.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated