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Hate

Fuck you, study. The longer I spend doing it, the more I hate it.

I have new forms to fill out. Forms that make me realise that I've been here for three years and have not achieved anything worth note. Forms that I need to fill out in the hopes that if they are approved I may get funding for the next six months. But that's a different set of forms. God I hate this.

I hate the politics, I hate the being treated like shit, I have how conservative everyone is, I have how self-centered everyone is, I hate the ammount of work that I have to do, I hate the time pressure, I hate the hours, I hate being made to feel stupid, I hate how nothing works, and I hate how it is all my fault.

I hate it. All of it.

I don't see a bright side, I don't see anything worth the crap I have to put up with, and I don't see any reason why I should stay.

What is so wrong with a dead-end job, anyway? What is so bad about working 9-5? Where is the problem is having weekends and friends and a social life? What could be so wrong with having a stable income?

I always want out. I just want out more right now.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
designadrug
Mar. 18th, 2005 02:10 am (UTC)
I always do this. Sorry, I'm going to do it again.

Yeah I understand the forms. It's the currency of academia; no getting away from it.

The hate for the politics slowly evaporates. You eventually develop just enough skill to be able to keep yourself out of it and at such a basal level of skill you don't really notice it anymore unless you get yourself involved.

Treated like shit? Yeah. It varies from place to place. I'm back to a place like that. Except it's not shit, it's knowing it. I'm treated like I don't.

Conservative? Goes with the territory. Remember Fleischman & Ponns? Cold fusion? Highly respected scientists...one non-conservative press-release...no more respect. But it annoys me too. I like to challenge orthodoxy, but you've got to remain skeptical.

Self-centred? Yeah. Funding is tight and highly competitive. Job security is almost a thing of the past. Term contracts are becoming the norm. But it's annoying because it brings out the worst in people.

Time pressure? I've worked with that. Nasty. But a fact of life.

Workload? Goes without saying. I know. It sucks. I sympathise. It's been pointed out to me here that if I want to become a successful scientist I've got to work more than my simple 10-hour days. Apparently I should be taking at least 2 hours of work home with me every night. Stuff that.

Feel stupid? Yeah I get that from my current supervisor. Won't give me credit for knowing anything. Will even go away and return and parrot my own stuff back at me and then argue that it wasn't what I said at all and I was completely wrong. It happens all over.

Nothing works? That happens. That's what your PhD Supervisor *is* for; to help you get things to work, help troubleshoot.

All your fault?

How?

"What is so wrong with a dead-end job, anyway? What is so bad about working 9-5? Where is the problem is having weekends and friends and a social life? What could be so wrong with having a stable income?"

You know, I think that quite often myself.

I gave-up the long hours to work just 9-5. I have a social life now. Means I have a dead-end job now too; no prospect of advancement or promotion because I'm not seen to put "enough" work in. I have a reasonably stable income for another year and a half but I'm on a 3-year contract. Just like most RAs. Makes it hard to settle-down in one spot and get a house. Not knowing where I might be working, or if I'll have enough uninterrupted cash-flow to keep-up mortgage payments.

I'm not going to be condescending and tell you there is a bright side.

You'll have to find that for yourself, Dr Rynn.

\\'
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