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Of feet and food

Jade. A night of DDR with matcha_pocky and astro_dust, followed by dragging the battle-ravaged lady back to my house and feeding her and bishi_wannabe. Dinner and conversation (or, rather, gossip), which was grand.

Also, the fine quote about me after a particularly bitter comment; "we should mine you for the crystalized hatred you produce". Which is funny, because it's true. This follows a comment last week (from morsla, I believe), also about me, which was; "No, she's not jaded... she's made from solid jade."

It's true though, amusing as it is. I have become in the past three or four years quite bitter and jaded. 'Quite' is probably an understatement. I'm not sure the old me would like how cynicle and bitter I have become, how little wonderment I view the world with any more, or how I mistrust all things that appear to be good on the outside... but the new me doesn't care that much.

It is a little sad, but oddly amusing at the same time.

Age. So it is finally going to happen. I'll be hitting the quarter of a centuary mark. It saddens me a little, not because I feel that I am getting old, but because it marks the end of an era.

It used to be that I was the little one, the baby, the surrogate little sister and the honarary mascot. I saw all of nuwishas_tail's friends (who were my friends as well) turning 25 and thought, that's so far away. All of those folk, some of whom I still have contact with, all looked out for me and took care of me, partly because they are nice folk and all, but I don't doubt that most of them wanted to take care of the kid-sister figure I represented.

When I first went to uni, there were many people there who took this point of view, I think, and for which I am thankful. I mean, christ, I was 16. I had no business being at university with all the booze and the partying and the lecherous third years wanting a fresh piece of JAFFY tail. I couldn't drive, even if I wanted to, so people always made sure that someone drove me home. I wasn't interested in drinking until I hit 19 or so, but there were always people who also weren't drinkers to keep me company and - to a lesser expent - keep the drunken louts at bay.

But I realised when I recieved an invitation to greenwytch's Hen's day thingie that those days are dead an buried. I'm not going to know anyone there and, at first, I thought it would be like all those other times I met people more closely associated with my brother than I - I'd be the little sister, the one that people humoured and talked gently to, who was looked out for and treated with a kind of familial fondness. But then I realised, I'm not a child any more. I'm not even the awkward teen, full of thoughts of poetry and poems of thought, angst-ridden and too smart for my own good. I'm going to walk through that door, and I will be seen as a woman.

A woman in my own right, fully formed and filled with my own life experiences, my own knowledge, my own personality. A clean slate, if you will.

It's kind of scary, really, to not be able to ride nuwishas_tail's coat-tails any longer. But at some stage in my life, I guess I have to branch out on my own, and face the world with my own shield to defend myself, and my own sword to fight my battles. It's strange.

I never felt this impending sense of responcibility when I turned 18, nor 21. I don't know why 25 should be any different. Maybe because it is the last milestone I saw other people reach when I was young, rambunctious and full of life.

I think I am afraid.


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 18th, 2005 01:11 am (UTC)
Not my comment... it came from mousebane :)

I don't feel any less full of life than I did before I turned 25. I know plenty of people in their 30s who can still leave me for dead, too.

It is a pretty major milestone, though. Worth thinking about, but not worth having it loom over you...
May. 18th, 2005 02:06 am (UTC)
Why is it that I never hear of these DDR events until afterwards? :(

25 wasn't so bad, life for those I knew was more or less still the same as it had been for the previous 3 years. The years between then and 30 has seen many of my friends married and settled down, while I feel like I'm still in the same place...
May. 18th, 2005 03:59 am (UTC)
I'm trying to ease back in to the physical exercise :) Of course, this took the form of me straining something when we were all like "Let's do Witch Doctor on four feet for a warm up!"

Shall we go back for another serving? My afternoons are pretty much free all week...

May. 18th, 2005 04:14 am (UTC)
Do you think we can convince the lovely miss_rynn into dinner and DDR after work on Friday?
May. 18th, 2005 04:54 am (UTC)
Becka and I are going to Laura's birthday after 8pm (when she finishes at work) so perhaps not... Becka? Fancy more ddr this week some time? Or are you roleplaying girl, eight days a week?
May. 18th, 2005 05:35 am (UTC)
DDR is my true lord and master. Thursday is good... as is Saturday evening.
May. 18th, 2005 06:30 am (UTC)
Thursday is out for me (badminton), however Saturday evening is good, although I can't guarantee what state I'll be in as I'll be recovering from a large "Friday night out" (which should give you lots to laugh at as I DDR :)

BTW, I have Dancing Stage Unleashed 2 (which seems to be the UK name for DDR) for Xbox. Most of the tracks are the same as Ultramix 2 but there are a few new ones as well... including "Hot Stuff" for some strange reason...
May. 20th, 2005 04:01 am (UTC)
I've made this mistake before...
Saturday Night At Crown Casino = More Fun Than Jamming A Rusty Spatula Into Your Eyeball, But Only Just.

There's a particularly feral nightclub located right next to Galactic Circus, not to mention the ninjas come out on Saturdays. If you go earlier, you get the year-10-slacker-bunny crowd. If you go at lunchtime, you get birthday parties. Crown on a Saturday is just baaaad news.

Might have to wait till next week for our (literal) kicks. :)
May. 20th, 2005 08:56 am (UTC)
Re: I've made this mistake before...
hmmm okay then, let's pick a night for dinner and (pseduo) dancing - how's Monday for the two of you?
May. 23rd, 2005 01:24 am (UTC)
The stars are right...
I've got my ninja boots on today. Becka?
May. 23rd, 2005 03:10 am (UTC)
Re: The stars are right...
At the moment, I am feeling queasy due to stupid, treacherous antibiotics. I'll let you know later in the day? You kids can go have fun together without me, though.
May. 23rd, 2005 05:04 am (UTC)
Re: The stars are right...
ugh - my turn to call a raincheck :(

my sinuses are being all unfriendly-like and driving me mad. time to go sulk at home :(
May. 18th, 2005 02:41 am (UTC)
A woman in my own right, fully formed and filled with my own life experiences, my own knowledge, my own personality. A clean slate, if you will.

Not a clean slate. More like a finished sculpture.

...how little wonderment I view the world with any more...

I know. And being a scientist doesn't help. Sometimes it's easy to lose the spiritual, childlike part of yourself and exist only in the rational - knowing that whatever it is, it can be explained. It can be quite hollow.

Here's something I like to do from time to time...you might like it, you might think it's bullshit. Each to their own;

Go out and find somewhere to sit in the sun. Find an ant going about it's business. Yes, an ant. Watch it for a while. Watch it's little antennae waggle, watch it's little legs scamper. And I mean get down there and really watch it. Consider it for a while. Consider how big it is. Consider the size of a eukaryotic cell. Consider the Krebs cycle. Consider glycolysis. Consider all those other pathways to which the Krebs is the hub, all the cells and what they do and how they are powered and sustained. Look at that ant again. Think about what's going on in that little body, across how many cells and how fast.

It may not be a miracle of God...but it's still a fucking miracle; that it can be explained doesn't lessen it's worth as such.

There's a wonderment that comes from knowledge - the ancients knew it and called it "enlightenment", a concept that's lost it's scientific meaning and become mostly spiritual nowadays; joss sticks and hymms rather than the raw "WOW!" of really understanding how things work and their implications.

The ant may not do it for you...so go use your knowledge to find something that does.
May. 18th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC)
If you're looking for a complete change
UQ is looking for a biology RA who can grow brain cells for a few years (I daresay you are overqualified, but the salary listed in the add was $50,000+ which seemed fairly good to me) Just thought I'd mention it since you are probably heading into that next stage of alleged "adulthood" - panicky job-searching.
May. 19th, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
Re: If you're looking for a complete change
grow brain cells?
Your own or someone else's? Seems to me like miss_rynn is already good at growing brain cells!
May. 18th, 2005 04:53 am (UTC)
ill be at the hens thing!
May. 18th, 2005 05:36 am (UTC)
Woohoo! We can get tipsy and talk about boys! :)
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )