Becka (miss_rynn) wrote,

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Alright. In retrospect, yesterday wasn't such a terribly awful day, and it had some good points. The problem is that it was also filled with a lot of disappointments.

Most of the problem was that Jye and I had another argument based largely around how I feel lonely, trapped and isolated, and how he doesn't want to change. We were supposed to go to a friend's going away do last night, but it was obvious that he didn't really want to go. He forgot about it utterly, and he didn't twig onto the fact that I was getting ready to go out (nice clothes, redoing my makeup, putting on purfume, getting my shoes on etc) for any particular reason other than sitting on the couch all night. Again.

Sure, once he realised that I was waiting for him so that we could go he got ready, but only after a really disappointed look and an exasperated sigh. So I decided, since he was obviously not going to have a good time, that we shouldn't go. It would end up being far too much of a drama.

It wasn't so much the fact that he wasn't interested in going, it was more the fact that so many times I have really wanted to go out and to see my friends and he has actively wanted to NOT go. He hates socialising. Despises it. I knew that he would only be able to stand it for maybe an hour at most.

During the resulting argument, he said that I'd be able to invite my friends over to our house where he would either go off and do his own thing (thus ignoring them) or I could invite them to do something that he liked, like watching movies. So, I'd be sitting on the couch not interacting with these people who I want to interact with.

I know it's petty, but it has been going on for years now. It has begun to ware me down. I have given up whole bunches of things for Jye, and from our conversations and arguments the only things that he has given up which he dearly misses is more role-playing with his friends and all night lan-parties (neither of which he would be able to do much of these days anyway due to a full time job).

I do not want to deny him the things he loves to do, and neither do I want to force him to do things he doesn't want to do. It's very sad to admit it, but I think I would like him to be more of a boyfriend and less of a best friend sometimes. It hurts, and I have no one to blame except myself for it. After all, it I wasn't such a coward I'd be able to go to and from things by myself after dark, without being deathly afraid of something bad happening to me.

Stupid victim mentality.

The other thing the whole day did was to highlight to me the fact that I should probably see a doctor. I am broken on a fundemental level it seems, and I don't think I can fix myself.

It wasn't all bad a day though, all things considered. I caught up on some work I'd been putting off, my parents gave me my monthly pay (on top of my pay from CSL), and Jye (as a peace gesture) started reading Lord of the Rings to me. Which was nice.

And last night's episode of South Park, the LOTR one, was the funniest thing EVER. Especially the geeky kids playing at Harry Potter. Heh.
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