it must be spring soon because I am going loopy. I am stupidly happy yet terribly despondant. Sometimes I want to laugh and sing and cry. I have been reading Japanese courty poetry (tanka) and while I am inspired I cannot form words or images or feelings. I am not a violent person, and conflict makes me feel physically ill, but for some reason I want to punch someone - anyone - square in the face. Thoughts keep slipping through my fingers and my mind is moving too fast for me to make sense of. This is why I don't take drugs. This is why I do not sleep. Imbalanced - probably. And what am I going to do about it? Not a goddamn thing. Probably go somewhere and drink something. Possibly berry flavoured. Heh. I want to claw at my own skin, but I am afraid of the pain. The sickness is in my head, for sure. Maybe it's just stress relief, my brian finally letting out all this emotional crap that has been building up and blocking the pipes. I may be mad, but at least I am the happy sort of crazy. I want to cut all of my hair off. I want to be a movie star. I think I must be at one of those nexus points in my life, where the lines of fate are not sure where to take me next, but they are all pulling at me. I smell niki-chan on my skin, but I have not seen her for many hours - and even then was briefly. Who knows what will happen in life? We should live each day as our first and our last. Sing to the heavans, sing to the skies, never let your voice be silenced.