Today wasn't bad, though. I wasn't an emotional wreck during Sensei Nagae's memorial service because I hopped myself up on xanax just before it started. Of course, this left me dopey and out of it for the rest of the day, but that's okay. The ceremony was lovely, and I think Mrs Nagae was grateful that so many wished to show their respects.
My knees are really shitting me, particularly going to the dojo. I can't put any weight on a bent knee at the moment, which cuts out sune cuts, seiza, jogeburi, happoburi, or even putting on my armor correctly. I can be hit by others as a motodachi, but I'm disappointed in myself that I can't properly spar or demonstrate techniques. I expect there will be a lot of instruction in my future, which is all well and good, but I'm worried that my form will slip badly because of it.
On the other hand, I am trying to be philosophical about it. I think it will give me more of a chance to practice shinpan, and therefore force my students to do more shiai and engi. I need to stop thinking of myself as a fellow student and more of an instructor. It's a matter of trying to make the best of a bad situation.
I'm reluctant to start on any stength training or physiotherapy for my legs until I've seen a specialist, but there are some things that I think I would like to do in the meantime. I think I will take this opportunity to start building up arm and upper body strength with weights, and abdominal strength with various types of sit ups and the like. Anything that doesn't put strain on my knees in any way. I think I'd also like to try out swimming and see how that goes. So, I guess I'm in the market for a new swimsuit :P