I've come to the realisation that if it's not unconditional love that I crave, it is most definately appreciation.
Listened to some music today that dredged up a whole lot of memories I didn't want to remember. One day, I'll get over being a bad person and move on from it. One day.
Someone asked me once how I could be so miserable and feel so sorry for myself when people were suffering so much more than me on the streets of Calcutta. Ever since, any sadness or self-pity I have ever felt has always been tinged by guilt.
One day I'll learn to stop trusting people, to prevent them from fucking with me.
People are coming over tonight for movies. While I'd love to see them and spend time with them, half of me is craving space and solitude. My house is small, and people make me claustrophobic. I've done a lot of socialising lately, maybe that's the problem. Too much... contact. But at the same time I am desperate for contact, on a primal level. I love to be touched, but I don't want people to touch me.
Probably just been working too hard, sleeping too little. Maybe it's time for the tranqs again.